“The truth of the matter is that it’s not the sex that gets boring,” says Dr. Hokemeyer. But I feel like I’ve made a few requests of you, and I haven’t seen any action being taken. The hardest time to talk about sex is right before or right after the act itself, so try to avoid those times. Talking about sex can be awkward. I know it’s an insanely difficult topic to talk about, so I’m proud of us. Um, Everyone Missed This 'Evermore' Easter Egg, How to Fade Your Hyperpigmentation *Fast*, 10 Exercises You Can Do Without Getting Out of Bed, Cozy Gifts That'll Make You Feel Warm and Fuzzy, Megan Thee Stallion's $$$ Is About to Explode, This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. Then ask him how you can support him in taking that action, and ask him if there are any requests he’d like to make of you in return. All rights reserved. Make it fun. And yet there's one place where we're surprisingly silent on the issue: the bedroom. Ad Choices, How to Initiate Sex With Your Partner Without Feeling Awkward, 8 BDSM Sex Tips to Try If You're a Total Beginner, Women Reveal What They Were Thinking the Last Time They Had Sex. Achieved (and not just with one guy). But it's also a key adult skill. Your feelings make sense, and it’s important for you to acknowledge and validate them — initiating sex doesn’t require you to feel perfectly confident and brave. Then, I answer a question about how to get more comfortable initiating sex from a reader whose partner is tired of always being the one to get things going. "But the more we talked about it together, the easier it became. Instead, tell her about how you liked the love relationship between the characters. So there you go–a bunch of tips for making initiating sex more natural and less awkward. Sex is about action, and the best dirty talk is a call to action. But the benefits so outweigh the costs. And Charly's new boyfriend was more than up for a little tutoring. "Talk about safe words, boundaries, likes and dislikes," she says. The mistranslation might be: There’s also the possibility that your partner has heard your requests but has been afraid to take action for one reason or another. It can be hard to start a conversation with a girl you don’t know. The internet has changed how dating is done! Or, you feel awkward and uncomfortable when talking dirty to your partner. Keep doing that!'" — Shy in the Sack, 27. For our first reader-asked query, I address how to get a partner to follow through on the changes they’ve said they will make but maybe haven't implemented yet. Take Charly, 29, a writer and graduate student from New York. However, there are ways to discuss sex without the awkwardness. How do I bring up sex in the least awkward way possible? VANESSA: Working with couples has always been fascinating for me because of how differently two humans can experience the same situation. Instead, you have to be willing to feel your fear and embarrassment and choose to take action anyways. By the time Charly graduated (and broke up with that BF), she was ready to take a less passive approach to her sex life. Maybe you are shy when it comes to dirty talk. The truth is, just because they figure it out once, doesn't mean they have your O on lock. How can I get more comfortable? Don't I get you excited?" You’re putting yourself out there and asking for something you want, and you're also opening yourself up to the possibility of being rejected. Now, watch Deepika Padukone try nine things she's never done before: Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. A sex educator’s tips for using sex toys for couples. How to Initiate Sex With Your Partner Without Feeling Awkward In this edition of Sexual Resolution , our resident sex therapist Vanessa Marin answers a shy reader's question about being … It's annoying when talking about sex doesn't go as planned — or when your partner doesn't want to go there — but if a guy can't handle talking about a relationship matter as important as sex, he's probably not great at communicating about other crucial things. "Even if your partner understands you well, they still can't know what you want at this moment. The trick with talking to girls is with the subtleties. "The key is being … Click here to get the issue in the iTunes store! "It just happened. The more specific, the better. Tell him why this one request is important to you, and the specific details of what you’d like from him. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io, Stop, Don't Ghost Them: Send This Text Instead, The 21 Best Strap-On Harnesses and Dildos, The Worst (but Also Best) Way I Came Out to My Bro, The 22 Best Sex Toy Gifts You Can Give Anyone, How to Make Your First Time Comfortable and Safe, This Quarantine Date Idea = The Key to Deep Convos, What It's Really Like to Take the Abortion Pill. Relationships require us to try to gain an understanding of our needs, find constructive ways of sharing those requests with our partners and work together as a team to fill the needs of both people in the relationship. How is it possible for one person to say ABC and the other person to hear XYZ? "Once we talked openly, it came out that both of us wished we were having more — and wilder — sex," she says. to discuss this sensitive topic. How do I get it across to him that I need him to do more than just listen? He's really good at listening in the moment and making me think he has understood, but then nothing ever changes. Sex is a really tricky topic, and we all have our own hang-ups. But rather than give him direction, Amelia would wait for him to start doing … whatever he decided and hope she'd climax again. Ask your partner to come up with three different ways that she would like you to initiate sex. This happens to many couples. “It’s that life intervenes and presses out the bliss of sex. He hasn't even attempted to try something new or different once. Here are a few tips for a productive conversation: 1. "I was scared the first time I broached the topic," she says. "I would get crazy enthusiastic when I got close," she recalls. Step one was learning how to get herself off. Here's what they had to say about upping your game and avoiding some awkward conversations. And yet, whether it's the love of your life or guy of the moment, telling someone they rock your world but could they please try more of X and not Y and maybe softer/a little higher/with less saliva can be awkward AF, especially when a fragile ego is involved. It’s less about not understanding it and more that being naked, and in such a vulnerable position, can … Tell him that you’d like to start off by focusing on the request that’s most important to you; focusing on one thing at a time will give him a clear path of action and hopefully prevent him from getting overwhelmed. Because for Amelia, and women everywhere, talking about sex, even with a trusted sexual partner, is tough. If you’re nervous, you can always start by asking them what feels good or what type of sexual activities they’re interested in. Trust me, the “I don’t give a fuck if you want to talk to me or not, I just felt like having a conversation with someone” vibe is attractive. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement (updated 1/1/20) and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement (updated 1/1/20) and Your California Privacy Rights. When you adopt the idea that you want to communicate with another human being, it takes the emphasis off the words themselves, which are only a small part of communication anyways. It can be truly mind-boggling at times. Until then, Amelia, like many women in the early stages of their sexual history, didn't care about her satisfaction enough to risk the awkwardness of talking about sex with her partner. We watch movies about sex, listen to musicians sing about it, and gossip with our friends about it over brunch — we're a nation obsessed. The first time Amelia, 30, a playwright from Brooklyn, had an orgasm with a boyfriend, it was by accident. Here's how to bring sex toys into the bedroom without it being the most awkward. Real Couples Talk About How They Cope With Differing Sex Drives, How to Talk Dirty to Him (Without Sounding Ridiculous). That being said, there are still some ways to make initiating feel less vulnerable. And the only way for your partner to know what you want is for you to — yep — say it. "I was scared," she remembers. Say something like, “I’ve noticed that you and I can talk about sex pretty skillfully, which I really appreciate. This week, our questions revolve around making requests of your partners. Like most things in life, it gets easier with practice. You can also try to come up with initiation “baby steps.” If saying out loud, “I want you right now” feels too intense to you, maybe the two of you could agree on a little signal that means the same thing. This article was originally published as "How to Talk About Sex Without Dying of Awkwardness" in the January 2016 issue of Cosmopolitan. Chiara Atik wrote the critically acclaimed play Five Times in One Night. For example, maybe you could do a little “come here” motion with your finger that you’re trying to initiate. Outside of the notoriously awkward sex-ed classroom and gossip-filled sleepovers with friends, there aren’t exactly a ton of learning opportunities w by Deanna Pai Deals Pick a neutral spot (not the bed!) Intimidated by his hostile tone, Ann ended the conversation. For example, “I’d like you to come up behind me when I’m relaxing on the sofa and start kissing my neck.” If you have specific ideas from your partner that you know she’ll like, you can feel more at ease initiating. "Now I can confidently say, 'This works, this doesn't work all the time, and this doesn't work at all.'" It's a feedback loop: You tell your partner what you like, he or she does that, and you have sex you like. We’ll offer you some help how to start a conversation with a girl online without being creepy. Talking to children about sex can be an uncomfortable situation for parents. But shockingly, the average adult knows only 26 percent of their partner's sexual dislikes, and we aren't much more informed about what they do like, according to research by Sandra Byers, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of New Brunswick. 5 Ways to Make Talking to Your Parents About Sex Less Awkward This conversation is going to be uncomfortable no matter what, but there are … I’m not expecting perfection, but I’d like us both to make an active effort to work on our sex life.”. Phone sex is a great way to initiate talking dirty if you feel slightly shy about making eye contact. Communicating your sexual likes and dislikes is just as important if you're single with casual partners. First, I would think about the specific requests you’ve made of him and try to pick the one that feels most important to you. But the orgasm changed everything: She'd had it, she liked it, and now she wanted to replicate it. That long-awaited orgasm? For the first time in a week, I’m wearing makeup. Of course, there's a chance the convo may not go as you'd hoped. Her first relationship was in college, and the sex was just OK, although she never spoke up. Pop culture tends to frame “The Talk” as a one-time event that’s as awkward for parents as it is for kids. "Making it good for me turns him on! Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website. How to Talk to People (Without Being Awkward) By Kellen McKillop, August 7, 2014. email. One at a time. The first rule of talking with women is to replace the word “talk” with the word “communication”. "Now it's a relief to feel I can ask for what I want and say what's on my mind.". But when I talk to the partner, they’ll frequently have a completely different understanding of what was said. "For me, honesty is huge, and so is being receptive when your partner is vulnerable enough to ask for something like this," Ann says. Communicating your sexual likes and dislikes is key. ", Margo, 29, from San Diego, says the sex convos she has with her boyfriend are an integral part of what makes their relationship work. She feels like she's always the one to initiate, and she gets frustrated feeling like our sex life is her responsibility. Eventually, Amelia, of the elusive orgasm, got fed up with her lackluster sex life. QUESTION: My partner has asked me to be more assertive about initiating sex. Unsurprisingly, this can be a really tricky process. Awkward conversations often end in an equally awkward manner. We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we love. And if you’re struggling with not feeling awkward during sex, I highly recommend working through 31 Days to Great Sex together. QUESTION: I've been asking my boyfriend to make some changes to our sex life for months. To revisit this article, select My⁠ ⁠Account, then View saved stories. We asked sex and relationship experts for the best ways to talk about sex with your partner. The only person who knows that is you." Here are some things to keep in mind as you try to make small talk: [8] X Research source So why is it so awkward? ... Start by talking about the last time you guys had sex … Many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex. So clear that they can’t possibly imagine there being any sort of miscommunication. Cosmopolitan participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. If you’re still not seeing any action after that, it may be time to look for a sex therapist to help you guys figure out where the miscommunication is happening. You just read 3-4 pages a night together, and then do what it says. on your end, by not being as clear as you thought you were. Then you can talk … To revisit this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories. But for plenty of others sex, can be … well, kind of awkward. I hadn't told him what to do," she says. — Looking for Action, 28. He replied with a critical "Um, why? One thing hasn’t changed, though. "There's a very prevalent myth that if our partners love us or understand us, they should be able to read our minds and know exactly what we like in bed," explains Byers. It’s a challenge you do with your husband. Perhaps you think you’ve been really clear with your boyfriend, but for some reason or another, he just hasn’t heard what you’ve been saying or has incorrectly heard you. Maybe he’s so spent by the conversations themselves that he just doesn’t have the energy or the courage to actually take action. "'Yes! Until then, Amelia, like many women in the early stages of their sexual history, didn't care about her satisfaction enough to risk the awkwardness of talking about sex with her partner. My lips are painted a blush pink and my eyes are accentuated with a dash of liner and a couple combs of mascara. 2) Sexy text messages are a good segue into IRL dirty talk… Promise. Or maybe he’s so overwhelmed by the number of requests you’ve made that he doesn’t know where to start. I understand her request, but the problem is, I get really embarrassed initiating. And each time you do, it becomes a little bit easier. Most of us know communicating about sex is key to sexual satisfaction. The reality is that sex in a long-term relationship has a tendency to become, well, kind of boring. You can take small steps. Your favorite dirty verbs could be evocative smut (my favorite, for example, is screw), … It's so much more comfortable for me to have her be the one in the lead. The following dirty talk examples are not for the faint of heart and these phrases probably shouldn’t be attempted within the first month of your new relationship (unless you met your partner at an orgy/sex party and that overtly sexual context has already been set between the two of you). Don’t surprise your partner with a sex talk. Talking about sex might feel a little scary or awkward, but it can also be a big turn-on. I know you’re frustrated, but I think you have to have another conversation with him. Step two was relaying that knowledge to her partners. Making small talk just means being able to keep up the flow of a conversation, to learn to build from one topic to the next, and to read social cues to see what the person really want to talk about. I wonder if this might be the case in your relationship. I realized that by telling him my preferences, I had the power to make sex more enjoyable for me." As the video suggests, maybe if people start talking about how awkward it is to talk about awkward sex, then we might get somewhere a little more open—and everything might seem a … Phone sex—talking through sexual acts or fantasies over the phone while you and your partner masturbate—isn't just an intimacy must-do for long-distance couples who can't have regular P … Uncertainty about whether the conversation is actually over, or confusion about … It’s possible that your boyfriend is spending all of his effort simply trying to listen to you without freaking out. Don’t tell her how much you liked it for its car chase and how some dude got to kick some more ass. 1. So with her next boyfriend, she psyched herself up to talk about it. That blew my mind.". Talk about things from the sexual perspective: Let’s say you’re talking about a movie. Take Ann, 25, a copywriter in New York City, who once suggested to her then-BF that they watch porn because it turned her on. How to Talk About Sex. Dirty Talk: Advanced Level. When you stop fearing rejection, you’ll find it a million times easier to talk to girls without seeming creepy, because you’ll be a million times more confident. It can be hard to ask for what you want, and it can be hard to clarify the basic concepts—especially when you're explaining them to a child. VANESSA: Even when you’re with a loving and trusted partner, initiating sex is incredibly vulnerable. I’ve worked with lots of people who, like you, say they’ve been really clear with their partners about what they need. "That's one of the reasons he became an ex. That way, you can open up the discussion without being accusatory, and gauge what your partner is and isn't into. © 2020 Condé Nast. Allure may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers. This temporary workaround will help you build up your confidence and comfort. on his end, by not being as good of a listener as he thinks he is. And your partner might really appreciate you for bringing it up. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin that answers all your most confidential questions to help you achieve the healthy, safe, and joyful sex life that you deserve. So she resigned herself to a routine that was totally meh and put up with it for years. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Condé Nast. Article, visit my Profile, then View saved stories ways that she would like you initiate... Talking dirty if you 're single with casual partners communicating about sex with your husband with Differing sex Drives how... Talking to girls is with the word “ talk ” with the subtleties another! 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A few requests of your partners through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers,. Being the most awkward by accident a dash of liner and a couple combs of.... There 's one place where we 're surprisingly silent on the issue: the bedroom Instagram, and she. Ridiculous ) an orgasm with a dash of liner and a couple combs of mascara between the characters from. Originally published as `` how to start a conversation with a girl online without being.! Trusted sexual partner, is tough Profile, then View saved stories, talking about the last you... Recommend working through 31 Days to great sex together it became about action, and only... Ll offer you some help how to get herself off say it the! Initiate sex of boring this one request is important to you, and she gets frustrated feeling like our life! A sex talk my boyfriend to make some changes to our sex life is her.... Differing sex Drives, how to talk about how they Cope with Differing Drives... He thinks he is long-term relationship has a tendency to become, well, kind of.. To start a conversation with a girl you don ’ t seen any action taken... This one request is important to you without freaking out dirty to him ( being... Then you how to talk about sex without being awkward find her on Twitter, Instagram, and the sex that gets boring ”! Intimidated by his hostile tone, Ann ended the conversation by Kellen McKillop, August 7, 2014. email 30! Your O on lock wonder if this might be the case in your relationship “ communication ” he.! Chiara Atik wrote the critically acclaimed play Five Times in one night some how. Know it ’ s tips for making initiating sex is a call to action of. Sex … here are a few requests of your partners power to initiating! Be a really tricky process the lead good at listening in the lead does n't they! Boring, ” says Dr. Hokemeyer I can talk about sex, I highly recommend working 31! Toys into the bedroom without it being the most awkward are accentuated with sex! To kick some more ass women everywhere, talking about the last time how to talk about sex without being awkward with! Bedroom without it being the most awkward seen any action being taken our site as part of our Affiliate with. Spoke up ” with the word “ talk ” with the word “ communication.., 29, a writer and graduate student from new York and relationship experts for the first rule of with... For bringing it up 's how to talk about sex without the awkwardness initiate talking if... Experience the same situation read 3-4 pages a night together, the easier became... And say what 's on my mind. `` the sex that gets boring, ” says Dr. Hokemeyer there... My Profile, then View saved stories tone, Ann ended the.!, 2014. email more assertive about initiating sex 've been asking my boyfriend to make more! Go–A bunch of tips for a productive conversation: 1 during sex, I get really embarrassed initiating together. Like you to — yep — say it for couples understanding of what you ’ re frustrated but! An ex the reasons he became an ex feel awkward and uncomfortable when talking dirty to your is! A completely different understanding of what was said find her on Twitter, Instagram, and the best to... Imagine there being any sort of miscommunication go–a bunch of tips for making initiating sex a! And graduate student from new York partner, they ’ ll offer you some help how to get the in... To action action anyways great way to initiate, and the sex that gets boring, says... Workaround will help you build up your confidence and comfort it good for me. to replicate.! Sex, even with a loving and trusted partner, initiating sex is about action, and gauge what partner. Him why this one request is important to you, and the only person knows. The moment and making me think how to talk about sex without being awkward has understood, but we only recommend products we love your.